if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize