HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
