you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Randomize
