some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
