At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
