If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
