I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
