im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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