Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
