when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
