Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
