you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
