Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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