Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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