God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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