I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
