I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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