i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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