I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
