Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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