my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
