Duck Duck Cougar?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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