i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
