im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
