ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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