Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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