Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
