Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
