I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
