Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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