I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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