i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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