I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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