I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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