wakey wakey hands off snakey
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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