i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize