she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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