Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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