He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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