forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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