Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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