The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
God, you're like boner-b-gone
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
