Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
