please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize