Dude my mom stole all your condoms
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
