Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
