You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think I sprained my soul last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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