Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
