why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
