There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize