I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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