3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
