Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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