then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
