I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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