You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
well, you know. whores of a feather.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
