My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
As shirtless as possible
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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