true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
